Help, I am on my 2nd marriage and my life is nothing like I expected. He caters to his daughter and ex wife
When my husband and I met we were both going through divorces (we had dated years ago before either of married other people). We began planning our future. I left my home of 15 yrs and moved into his home, both my children came with me leaving everything. His exwife moved 1 mile away so their daughter woudn’t have alot of change. He got joint custody and I got full custody. Well I am bitter and angry all the time cause he give his ex everything she wants. She got 30,000 dollars out of the house, 1/2 his pension, $700 a month in child support, he pays 1/2 her babysitter bill (she is almost 14!!) He pays half her extra curricular which includes horseback lessons 3 days a week, guitar once a week, horse camp every summer and his daughter gets constant activities, vacations, always has a friend with her, and he will not enforce any responsibility even to care for all her pets she begged for. She is living a carefree completely responsibility free life. Problem is I still have to pay for my home I left cause it hasn’t sold and I am reestablishing my business I closed at my old home and reopened in his home. I sold everything to get by. He does not support me but pays the household bills in “his” house, mortgage, utilities etc. Problem is he is in massive debt. I tell him to stop giving so much to his ex and cut his support in 1/2 because his daughter with us as much as her mom but he get sooooo angry at me. Tells me that is the deal he made with his ex and he will never change it. I am at the point of wanting a divorce, what do I do. He is turning out to be a selfish jerk. Our house is falling apart, we have a ton of debt and he won’t budge.
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Tags: Help Marriage, Horse Camp, Pets
vacation property | , 17 Jun 10
By Tom P, June 20, 2010 @ 3:03 pm
Sounds like maybe you rushed into things. I would think you would have known about the details of his divorce before you agreed to marry him . . .
By Shelly, June 21, 2010 @ 4:35 pm
talk to him and tell him your uncomfortable with this, and if he continues and does not repsect you, leave him.
By Sufi, June 23, 2010 @ 10:50 pm
tell him your needs. stop trying to get him to change. you have to let him know what you need (financial security) and possibly his attention. Tell him this life isn’t working for you and ask if he has any ideas. maybe he wants you to leave. stop telling him what to do. and stop thinking that what he does is wrong. he has to live in accordance with his needs and values. you have the same responsibility. talk to him differently. get marshall rosenberg’s book “nonviolent communication” and talk to him empathetically. but don’t give up your needs either!! they are just as important as his.
By Kleenex, June 27, 2010 @ 7:09 am
Leave as soon as you can. If he loved you, he would stop paying everything for the ex-wife and snobby (so it seems) daughter. If he can’t talk and work it out with you, i’m sorry, but i don’t think he cares the way it seemed at first. Thats a horrible situation but i would definately not stay in it. I hope this helped and i wish you good luck.
By Pat F, June 27, 2010 @ 5:07 pm
im so sorry your going thorw all this but i will keep u in my prayers! im sorry im not much help but maybe you can help me! THanks for anyhelp!
By Jane Marple, June 27, 2010 @ 5:16 pm
You can survive a second divorce….I’m a living proof.
By Sabrina K, June 29, 2010 @ 3:39 am
Wow sounds like you got in over your head, I would consider marriage counseling. I would also recommend that your husband talk to a financial adviser, I think that maybe someone else showing him how much debt he has might make him wake up and realize that he is in big trouble. Best of luck!!
By Jazzy, July 1, 2010 @ 11:35 pm
The only thing you can do is talk to him. You have to do it gently and tell him to please listen because this is something very important to you. Try to get him to understand what you’re feeling.
Also, if you feel like getting a divorce, reallly think about this marriage and what it means to both of you. Maybe you did rush into things. How does the future look to you?
I can also kind of understand his situation. That is still his daughter and of course he has an obligation to support and take care of her.
As far as the situation with his exwife, if they made a deal, maybe he really feels like he has to keep it.
However, if your house is falling apart and he keeps building debt and wont’ stop, there are probably other issues. If he can’t see that maybe you two should get counseling. But you need to listen to each other and communicate, if all your talks turn into arguments, then it doesn’t seem like a good relationship.
Just talk it out and see where it goes from there, examine your relationship, talk about what you both want and what the future looks like. If it’s meant to be it’ll work out.
Good luck dear!
By Jillian I, July 2, 2010 @ 9:53 am
Wow. That is a very loaded situation. From what you’ve told me, it seems that your new husband has not really grasped the fact that he has a brand new family to take care of. I agree with you on the fact that he needs to stop paying for so many things. It is now the responsibility of his wife to pay for her child especially when it comes to extracurricular activities. The daughter is now living predominantly with her mother so most things she wants become the MOTHER’S responsibility.
If he is unwilling to budge and your own children are suffering you need to decide whether or not your rocky relationship is more important than their well-being. In my opinion, I would separate your finances so that you he doesn’t have access to your money. If things don’t change then try holding an intervention with people that care about you BOTH. (If you bring people only to support you, he’ll feel threatened and even more angry.) If things don’t change and you really become endangered then maybe it is time for a divorce. If he’s not willing to take responsibility for his new family then he’s not doing his job.
By lce1953, July 3, 2010 @ 1:41 pm
tell him to make a choice between you and his ex. I think he still loves her.
By Invisigoth, July 6, 2010 @ 9:02 pm
Sounds like you rushed this relationship without knowing all your facts and his obligations.
He’s doing the typical guilty dad thing. He’s indulging his daughter because he feels bad about divorcing and he’s trying to make sure that she still lives the kind of life she would have had if her parents had stayed married.
He’s told you where his priorities are, now it’s time for you to decide if you can live with that or if you need to move on.
By fire&ice, July 9, 2010 @ 8:37 am
If your not happy LEAVE! But do understand parents will do anything for their children.